What a difference a conversation and a cup of chai can have. And I’m not talking Starbucks American chai, I’m talking a good cup of authentic Indian chai. I have spent so long just grinning and bearing that I forgot how to embrace the reality of life, I forgot how to live with grace. I don’t regret the bearing and grinning, I think it was necessary just to get through each day.   Head down, one foot in front of the other, heavy sighs. Pretending for myself and for my children that life was okay. But this week I was invited into a space where I could set down that burden and take off the mask of pretending. I was invited to just be. All of me. My shame, and guilt for not being able to live up to the pretender that I presented to everyone else while I knew I was a mess.  Oh the grace to sit and be still in the mess and say yes, my life is a mess, but Jesus really does loves me. This radical self acceptance that I am flawed, and broken, yet somehow holy, what a gift of the divine. It’s interesting, because i would say I try to be open and honest about my life and my struggles, I partake in confession on a weekly basis, yet what was missing was I hadn’t accepted myself. I kept thinking if I just did this or that discipline or worked on this part of my life if I could just get this or that mess cleaned up, if I could pray more, if I could just get more organized, if I could just will myself to do more, well then I’d be okay. But I couldn’t do any of those things, and every time I failed the anxiety of the burden became heavier, and the more worthless I felt. What I was missing was radical acceptance of my situation. I had to learn to accept that I am who I am no more, no less. I am who I am, I get to be no one else in this life. I am where I am and I get to be nowhere else at the moment. I am loved by Jesus just as I am. I am a part of Flannery O’Conner’s “ horde of white trash, clean for the first time” rushing into the presence of God. For the first time In a long time I got to sit in my shit with a friend who sincerely cared and listened.  And finally I felt safe to sit and rest and be known. Nothing has changed, my life is still a mess, but I’m okay with that today, and that has made all the difference. The chai didn’t hurt either.

I am looking forward to this weekend, I am hoping to get some tasks done that I have been putting off: clean the house, mow the lawn, organize my desk.  This week has been rough, I have been in the depths, I have been trying not to despair, but sometimes things are just hard.  I want to move on with life, move forward. But memories, and thoughts this week seemed to weigh heavier than usual, but I know this is all part of the healing process. I can’t move forward, without going through.  Whatever it is before you, a desert, a valley or a cave, you can’t move forward in life without going through.  We must be careful not to get stuck, but we must go through.  With my eyes on Jesus, all I can do is trust. If I let my mind wander from Jesus I will get stuck, and if we become stuck we will become crazy, I feel crazy already just being here, but I don’t want to live here. However, if we don’t go through at all, our suffering is meaningless.  Entering the cave is hard, there are no up front tangible guarantees that life will be better on the other side, or that you will make it there at all.  Why go into the cave when I can just fill myself with drugs/alcohol/sex. 

If you enter the cave you are heroic. If you stay at the entrance and numb the pain and avoid the cave you’re life is empty and meaningless.  These are our two options.

We must be careful though, if we enter the cave, we can have no assumptions as to our lives afterwards, we can have no agenda, we can make no demands on God about what we deserve.  This is the Sacrifice of Cain.

I have been feeling so restless lately.  I can’t sit still.  I’m seeking distraction, because it is too hard to just sit in my crap.  I’m beginning to look outward to the things of this world instead of keeping my eyes on Jesus.  Whether, it is beginning to think about dating, or work, or any other thing, it is bringing restlessness. Yesterday, I tried to distract myself from these feelings of unease by seeing if a friend was available to hang out, but he wasn’t. I then tried to call another friend, but he didn’t answer. So, I spent the entire afternoon and evening alone. I decided to take a warm bath and listen to a podcast on suffering, by Francis Chan. I’ve never listened to Francis Chan before, but it was really good.  I then listened to a message by Sam Alberry on why our identity has to be in Jesus and can’t be in our relationships or our sexuality, and why this is good news, and it was.  I am broken, and only Jesus can bind my broken heart. I can’t do it, and the things of this world can’t do it.  They may be able to distract for a time, but ultimately they just make the wound that much more infected.  I think it is hard knowing that I am going through this journey and seeking God, while seeing my ex-wife living a life of destruction, that not only hurts herself but those around her that truly care about her.

Sometimes I think death would be easier than divorce. Death is definite. the self destructive nature of my ex-wife has been like watching her die over and over and over again.  I give her the benefit of the doubt, and she always disappoints, and I feel the sharp pains in my heart all again, and I’m not even in relationship with this woman anymore!